Jill's Learning Lessons

Pregnancy and me

2011-10-25T20:47:00.002-03:00

I can't believe how long it's been since I blogged. Not that the world has missed me, though :) I'm sitting here in my house (yes, MY house...or the banks, but either way it's warm, cozy and spacious and I LOVE it) wondering how in the world I'm about to have a baby. Quite honestly, I never thought I would be 38 and pregnant. I've really struggled with this pregnancy. It's been smooth sailing physically, other than the usual heartburn, insomnia, constant nausea and other misc aches and pains, it's really nothing to complain about. Mentally and emotionally it's been a whole other story. Most of my friends are done having kids, some even have teenagers. Everyone has moved on in their life and we're kind of starting over again. I don't really have any family locally to help out with physical/childcare things, so it scares me all over again about being alone. My husband still has no job and I"m exhausted having worked full time for the last 2 years. My sweet daughter has started school and is growing so fast, what if I miss her growing up? And, am I ready to change diapers, bottle feed and stay up all night again? I haven't quite felt this scared and alone....maybe ever.

On the flip side of that, I often sit and am in complete awe at how good God has been to us. How this miracle baby will change our lives and our family and how much I want him and love him already. I hope he will know that. I truly believe he is God's gift to us, a reminder that we are not forgotten or forsaken no matter how we might feel. We're not the normal family that just decide "hey, let's have a baby", then boom, it happens. But that explanation I'll save for another day.....

Beulah Camp

2010-07-11T19:57:00.003-03:00

Beulah means different things for different people. July 1976 was my first Beulah experience. I don't remember much about it...I don't remember anything about it to be honest, but between 1976 and 1992 I didn't miss a single camp meeting. As an adult I've missed a few Beulah weeks, but many years have managed to attend at least one service. Beulah became, and continues to be, an important foundation of my spiritual life. Throughout my childhood I have fond memories of attending DVBS at the children's Tabernacle. During my youth I remember making the trek up the hill each morning for the youth service, often challenged to make the "sold out" commitment to Christ. I have made lifelong friends over the years, knowing I would only see them once yearly at Beulah. (can't wait for the year Patti, Greg and Shawna all come back at the same time :) Beulah has been a safe haven for me. Knowing whatever is going on in the world, in my life, I can be safe from it in this small slice of heaven. It's a place I can always find joy, peace, comfort and I can always feel the Lord's presence there. Always. It's a safe place for my heart, and sometimes our hearts need a safe place.
My husband is growing to love it as well. He has spent a few hours there each summer, but was able to spend a few days there this year. He's had a taste of the community. Of loving and caring about each other and of the friendships that are formed there.
I now have a 3 year old daughter. We were fortunate enough to spend the first weekend at Beulah as well as a few days trips during the week. She experienced VBS like I did at her age and I do believe she has the "Beulah Bug". She wants to go back, she remembers it. I want my daughter to grow up cherishing the friendships she'll make, enjoying the community it offers and most importantly, making some life changing decisions about her relationship with Jesus that she can always come back to, no matter where in the world she is.

The Wilderness

2009-11-17T20:15:00.003-04:00

Last Tuesday morning, I woke up with an old Keith Green song in my head. "You Put This Love in My Heart" literally came out of nowhere. I haven't thought of Keith Green much less listened to him in years. I think that morning was a morning of clarity. I have been re-reading Ken Gire's "Windows of the Soul". I realized with clarity that I have been in the wilderness for a long time. While living in Albany, we went through some hard times. Many of the hard times we went through nobody but our families are aware of. Much too painful to talk about publically. When we felt the tug of God leading us back here, we really believed that this was going to be a good experience. The hard times were over, the price had been paid and God was calling us. We left everything, our jobs, home, friends, security.....and then boom, a year later here we are with nothing. Well, almost nothing. The overwhelming pain of loss and hurt has left as incapacitated as a family and as individuals.

The wilderness is where we experience prolonged periods of God's absence. That's where I am...or at least where I've been now for several months. "Suddenly I found myself against a God who baited me and then set the hook. But it was not the punishment of the hook. That was nothing. It was the hunger of my soul, and that I was against something, or something was against me , that I did not comprehend. That was everything." (Ken Gire) I have had times in the last few months where I've begged God to show Himself to me, prayed for some glimpse of his Grace, and was left with nothing. Being in the wilderness is not something new to Jesus himself nor is it new to most of those we read about in the Old Testament, but it becomes something surreal when it's your wilderness. When it's your time of being completely humbled, thirsty and alone. Completely, unequivocally, unbearably alone. I was and maybe still am, desperate for some word that I've not been forgotten. That God still sees us here and doesn't hate us. I still haven't completely accepted that yet.

I don't know that I'm out of the wilderness yet, but I do see glimpses of hope. I don't feel so alone anymore. Not much has changed externally. All those things that get me down are still there, but I'm hopeful, and I haven't been hopeful in many, many months.

The wilderness has been hard. It's where I've had to prove to myself who God is. Not from anyone else's words or experiences, but from one painful word at a time. Experienced by me. It's a mess, but it's my mess. I can say I know who God is. As the Israelites emerged out of the wilderness after 40 years of wandering, and crossed the Jordan River into the Promised Land, they were shown a window revealing the reason for those disorienting years. I'm hoping for the same thing.

The morning I woke up with Keith Green in my head, I hope was the beginning of leaving the wilderness. I'll leave you with some lyrics.

There are sometimes when I doubt
But you always find me out
You put this love in my heart

Cause when I see all that you've done for me
It's hard to doubt, I just have to believe
Cause you followed and proved it all of your life
There's so much more I should say
If I could just find a way
You put this love in my heart

Is all this real or a dream
I feel so good I could scream
You put this love in my heart

I want to know where the bad feelings go
When I'm depressed and I get down so low
And then I see you coming to me and it's alright

You put this love in my heart

You put this love in my heart

You put this love in my heart

Sorting it out

2009-08-02T14:06:00.002-03:00

I haven't been blogging in a while. I can site many reasons, but basically I've been in a rut. The spring was a hard one, kinda set me back on my heels quite a bit. Many of you know that we moved to Canada from South Georgia this past September, 2008. Wow, what an adjustment. Although I'm from here, I've been gone for 10 years, living in Kentucky for three and South Georgia for seven years. It's amazing how expensive it is to live in Canada. Not just that the prices are high, but did you know that you need 2 sets of tires for each car you own? Did you know it's law that you have your car inspected each year? Did you know that you need a winter coat, boots, hats, blankets, socks, sweaters, mittens, gloves, de-icer for the car, shovels, scarves, car scraper, and salt for the sidewalk? Well, of course you knew that, it is Canada after all, right? But, unfortunately none of these bulky, yet necessary items are free, so it's a big investment to live here, because there are actually 4 seasons that require many things just for basic functionality. South Georgia has one season....hot! But, I digress....

Many of you know the job we moved here for is no longer the reason we are here. It was a tough 9 months for my husband as principal of a small Christian School, but we believed and still believe that it was God who brought us here. I have mixed feelings about how things have unfolded. I don't doubt for a second that it WAS God who brought us here, not a second. I'm also mostly happy that my husband doesn't have to go back to such a difficult situation again this year, I'm actually relieved. But, I am scared that neither of us have jobs. This is a scary place to be with a family. I have to believe that God has a plan, but I struggle with that. I guess that's the point of my post right now.

The last two years have been somewhat of a freefall. It will be two years this August since I lost my father. It seems since then one huge thing after another has happened. Job loss, moving to another country, more job loss, debt from moving to another country etc. It has really tested my faith. I have really wondered if God loves me. Well, I guess I know He loves me, but I often assume He loves those who make the decisions that so strongly affect our lives more. For many reasons, first of all, there are more of them and they all wear suits and read the KJV of the Bible, so they must have an edge, right? They must always be right? They tell others what church is the "right" one and what church is the "wrong" one, they approve of using only the organ on Sunday morning, they state what they are instead of living it, and they have church foyers that would make any museum proud, the projects can be seen from the window of the sanctuary, yet the people are fenced out of the church. So with all these things, of course they have the edge on knowing the will of God, right? That's where I'm stuck. I don't like being stuck there, but I am. I hope to move on soon, but I can't help but feel wondering what God's plan is and if He remembers my little family......

Gonna get back in the blog

2009-04-23T10:04:00.002-03:00

Really, I am gonna get back in the blog. Just need to get motivated. One could say I gave up blogging for Lent.....but that's just a sorry excuse. New thoughts coming soon.

My Day.....

2009-02-18T21:00:00.003-04:00

I heard once there is a thin veil between children and the unseen realm. Today I believe I was witness to it. My sweet Lia bug is the most amazing person I've ever met, and I don't just say that because I'm her mom. Lia was fortunate enough to be given a new Veggie Tales Silly Songs DVD today, believe me, we were all happy and ready for a change. She and her daddy were watching it before supper. The very last song on the DVD is titled "My Day" and is by Jr Asparagus. As they were watching this sweet song, I saw Lia become visibly upset. Her eyes welled up, her face turned red and I saw tears start rolling down her cheeks. I then looked at her daddy, and the same thing was going on with him. The funny thing, neither knew the other was reacting this way to this sweet song. This is the first time that I've ever seen my daughter exhibit such raw emotion, not because of being hurt, wanting a toy or being tired, but she truly FELT. She was moved by the song, the tone and possibly the words.

Copy and paste this link to hear this sweet song: http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#My%20Day%20veggie%20tales

(I wish I was smart enough to backlink, anyone who wants to school me in it, feel free)

One of the sweetest and most touching aspect of the song is the simplicity of it. Yes, God still loves us at the end of the day. No matter what we do wrong, right or not enough, we're loved just because. Sometimes it's too easy to get lost in the theology and the not measuring up, until you hear it from a child's lips, or in this case, and asparagus' lips. So, please take a moment to listen to this song if you've never heard it, and if you have heard it, listen again. You too may just need to be reminded that God loves you.

Random Top Five

2009-02-11T19:23:00.002-04:00

Do you ever have random thoughts just enter your mind, for no apparent reason? Or if there is a reason, it's long and convoluted? That's what happened tonight and hence my top 5 list. I was randomly thinking about Tylenol (love that drug) because Lia was begging for some (nice huh?), which made me think of my maternity leave for some reason (I went back to work Feb 17, 2007) and then...bam, the first report I had to go out on my first day back at work. anyway, if you followed any of that, the bottom line is, I do believe I've heard it all. In the 7 years I worked in Child Protective Services, I have heard every excuse in the book why someone has tested positive for drugs. Everyone thinks they are being original but they are nonetheless completely unbelievable. So, I've developed my top five excuses/reasons why someone may test postive for cocoaine, you tell me if they are believable or not......

5. I was at the club last night and someone was smoking it. It must have gotten on my clothes.

4. It is in the medicine I'm taking for blood pressure. (says the great grandmother who tested positive, along with her daughter, granddaughter and 2 yr old great granddaughter)

3. Cocaine is in Tylenol, didn't you know that? It says it in the list of ingredients....

2. I had a toothache and rubbed a rock on it. it's supposed to take away the pain.

1. My boyfriend and I had sex after he snorted.............It can be transferred by bodily fluids..DUH!

Julie, Babs, Lisa...help me out if I'm missing any or you have some to add.....

5. Ty

Posting Comments

2009-02-11T19:22:00.001-04:00

Just wondering if it's possible to post comments on here. I've had several people email me that they can't, so if you can, just do a test post comment? Thanks bunches.

Calling all SAHM's....

2009-01-14T13:48:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I've been a "stay at home" mom for 4.5 months now. I have to say, it has been the biggest adjustment of my life. This move has been the biggest adjustment of my life, and for my family, and I can't say we've made it seamless either.
So, for all of you who have been doing this for a while, I'm calling on your expertise. What do you do all day? I mean, I know there's a lot to DO, but what do you do? Lia is alone, no siblings right now, and I know in theory I'm not her playmate, but at times I really feel sorry for her. We have no other kids to play with, her only other playmate is a boy who is a year older then her, and that story is best saved for another day, so it's just me and her. We go to the mall A LOT, but it's not like it's fun mall. Well, it's fun for her and it's fine for me, it's just not shopping mall. She plays well with other kids, so it's good for her to socialize.
Then there are the moments I get frustrated with her because she wants me to sit with her or watch Baby Einstein one more time, and I feel the need to do the dishes. Sigh. I might add, I hate housework. I love a clean house, I just hate doing it, so I'm find it very unfulfilling for my days to be about housework, dishes etc.
So, what do your days look like? How do you find value and meaning? (I'm asking this humbly, I find raising my child very valuable and meaningful, I just don't know how to figure out how that's ALL of what I do.)
Any and all input is more then welcome.

December 5

2008-12-04T13:39:00.002-04:00

December 5 is a surreal day for me....it always will be. After being told by 2 different doctors that I had a less then 25% chance of ever having children because endometriosis, on December 5, 2005 I got a positive pregnancy test. It was a miracle. I never, ever in my wildest dreams expected it. I wish I could say that I had come to terms with the fact that I would probably never have children, but I can't. I mourned the fact I would probably never have the joy of holding a baby, our baby, in my arms. I never was able to surrender my desires to the Lord's will, I never was able to say "I am OK with it, no matter what".

I spent the entire Christmas of 2005 in utter disbelief and joy. When we arrived back home in Albany, I was scheduled for my second ultrasound at 9 wks. We were crushed beyond belief to learn that our baby had died. I felt like my heart had been shattered in a million pieces. I remember spending the next week in my PJ's, listening to the Scott Stappe CD and playing Bejeweled on the computer. But, as cliche as it was, and probably inappropriate for every other woman in the world other then me, it was a miracle that I was able to even get pregnant, and I knew that if it happened once it could happen again.

Fast foward to December 5, 2006, exactly one year after my first positive pregnancy test, my beautiful miracle was born. I had hoped that she would be born on this day, it brings my story of hope, faith and trust full circle. I have to thank God, He is the only reason for this miracle. I wish I could say that I knew He would bring me peace, but I can't. What I can say is that despite my lack of faith, my failure to trust, He still loved me enough to give me the joy of my heart. I am daily overwhelmed with this gift of love. I pray my daughter grows to know and love Jesus with all her heart, and despite the difficulties of life, He is always there, always steadfast and always loving.

I love you baby Celia Grace. Nobody will ever love you like your mama does.

Why?

2008-11-21T14:38:00.002-04:00

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you, He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice, blessed are all who wait on Him. Isaiah 30:17-19

Why can I never remember this? Why never live it? Not to go all "Old Testament", ( not that there's anything wrong with that), but this is something I wish I could beat into myself as I think that's the only way to learn it. I struggle with trust. Trust in God, trust in people. I'm not proud of the fact that I'm 35 yrs old and this is still such a HUGE issue in my life. Maybe it always will be. But, at the very least, I wish I could believe that God LONGS to be gracious to me. Not because He was to be or not even just bc he wants to be, but he LONGS for it. Yet, I still struggle with trusting Him, trusting that He desires so much to be gracious. Why?

Breadcrumbs

2008-11-04T13:26:00.002-04:00

I had one of those days last week. You know, the kind where you just wanna give up and you're convinced the world has conspired against you. Yup, one of those days, or actually two. I remember many years ago when I lived in Russia I felt I was having one of those lives. I had gone for many, many, many weeks without hot water, or at least without having it consistently. This gets really old after a while, when all I wanted to do was jump in a hot shower. I remember one particularly bad day during the week of the infamous day camps. ( I hated day camps, but that's a whole other story) I was riding the trolly back to my apartment and it was crowded as usual, the 5:00 rush. I had a very heavy bag that day and this very kind, older Russian gentleman offered to hold my bag on his lap for me. I bursted out in tears at this. It was the breadcrumb I needed, just to know that the world wasn't against me. When I was in college, my third year, we were having a particulary harsh winter with very little sunshine. One February day, the sun came out and the temperature rose to just above freezing, it was delightful. My friend Marsha and I named this day "The Day God Gave Us". I think of that day often. Fast foward to this past Friday. I was so tired, Lia was so tired, a tired 2 year old is akin to pergutory itself and I was fully there. I was out of gas, so after filling up I went inside for a much needed coffee. For whatever reason, the very kind employee did not charge me for the coffee. Happy Halloween he said. A very small gesture, but a very needed glimpse of hope and light for me. Someone just being so kind, so generous, he probably didn't even think twice about it, but it truly made my day, more then most things do. Some people may think God is too busy with all the craziness of this world to care much about our personal needs, our exhaustion with our children or just our frustration with the weather. I think God always is looking for ways to renew our hope, to remind us He loves us and He is always there for us...me. I can only pray that as much as I'm on the receiving end of this hope, these breadcrumbs, these glimmers of a remnant, that He'll also be able to use me to encourage others and be that glimmer for someone who needs it.

Guilt...NOT

2008-10-29T20:13:00.000-03:00

I just became a stay at home mom 2 months ago. I have to say, it is a huge adjustment. After spending 7 years working full time in Child Protection, this is a whole new world. My sweet Lia is almost 2, she's my "little buddy". I have to admit it's a big adjustment for her as well. She's been in daycare fulltime since she was 10 weeks old. It has definitely been a challenge for her as well. I'll just say the road has been bumpy, but we're coming in to smooth sailing. I'm gonna make a big admission here....I LOVE nap time. I am vigilant about naps, she thankfully sleeps about 2-3 hrs each afternoon. Once she's down, I do my few little "chores", then I do the absolute unthinkable. I plop in front of the TV, pop open a diet pepsi and watch General Hospital. I love every minute of it. Not the soap necessarily, just the fact that I can do this. I figure I've worked in a very, very high stress job for 7 years, I've seen and experienced things you usually only read on front pages of the paper and then have nightmares about. I feel not one, single solitary ounce of guilt for my afternoon reprieve. It sure beats the hell out of getting a sticky note from the receptionist that says "dead baby....132 Dunwood Ln". I'll take GH, thank you very much.

First Timer

2008-10-23T15:00:00.001-03:00

I've decided to take the plunge into the blogging world. Bear with me as I learn. I look forward to having a place to air my thoughts....and some other things when needed. Maybe I'll even be lucky enough to have a few comments...wink,wink. Stay tuned for more to come about life, Lia and whatever else comes to mind!!!!