Thursday, December 4, 2008

December 5

December 5 is a surreal day for always will be. After being told by 2 different doctors that I had a less then 25% chance of ever having children because endometriosis, on December 5, 2005 I got a positive pregnancy test. It was a miracle. I never, ever in my wildest dreams expected it. I wish I could say that I had come to terms with the fact that I would probably never have children, but I can't. I mourned the fact I would probably never have the joy of holding a baby, our baby, in my arms. I never was able to surrender my desires to the Lord's will, I never was able to say "I am OK with it, no matter what".

I spent the entire Christmas of 2005 in utter disbelief and joy. When we arrived back home in Albany, I was scheduled for my second ultrasound at 9 wks. We were crushed beyond belief to learn that our baby had died. I felt like my heart had been shattered in a million pieces. I remember spending the next week in my PJ's, listening to the Scott Stappe CD and playing Bejeweled on the computer. But, as cliche as it was, and probably inappropriate for every other woman in the world other then me, it was a miracle that I was able to even get pregnant, and I knew that if it happened once it could happen again.

Fast foward to December 5, 2006, exactly one year after my first positive pregnancy test, my beautiful miracle was born. I had hoped that she would be born on this day, it brings my story of hope, faith and trust full circle. I have to thank God, He is the only reason for this miracle. I wish I could say that I knew He would bring me peace, but I can't. What I can say is that despite my lack of faith, my failure to trust, He still loved me enough to give me the joy of my heart. I am daily overwhelmed with this gift of love. I pray my daughter grows to know and love Jesus with all her heart, and despite the difficulties of life, He is always there, always steadfast and always loving.

I love you baby Celia Grace. Nobody will ever love you like your mama does.