Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Wilderness

Last Tuesday morning, I woke up with an old Keith Green song in my head. "You Put This Love in My Heart" literally came out of nowhere. I haven't thought of Keith Green much less listened to him in years. I think that morning was a morning of clarity. I have been re-reading Ken Gire's "Windows of the Soul". I realized with clarity that I have been in the wilderness for a long time. While living in Albany, we went through some hard times. Many of the hard times we went through nobody but our families are aware of. Much too painful to talk about publically. When we felt the tug of God leading us back here, we really believed that this was going to be a good experience. The hard times were over, the price had been paid and God was calling us. We left everything, our jobs, home, friends, security.....and then boom, a year later here we are with nothing. Well, almost nothing. The overwhelming pain of loss and hurt has left as incapacitated as a family and as individuals.

The wilderness is where we experience prolonged periods of God's absence. That's where I am...or at least where I've been now for several months. "Suddenly I found myself against a God who baited me and then set the hook. But it was not the punishment of the hook. That was nothing. It was the hunger of my soul, and that I was against something, or something was against me , that I did not comprehend. That was everything." (Ken Gire) I have had times in the last few months where I've begged God to show Himself to me, prayed for some glimpse of his Grace, and was left with nothing. Being in the wilderness is not something new to Jesus himself nor is it new to most of those we read about in the Old Testament, but it becomes something surreal when it's your wilderness. When it's your time of being completely humbled, thirsty and alone. Completely, unequivocally, unbearably alone. I was and maybe still am, desperate for some word that I've not been forgotten. That God still sees us here and doesn't hate us. I still haven't completely accepted that yet.

I don't know that I'm out of the wilderness yet, but I do see glimpses of hope. I don't feel so alone anymore. Not much has changed externally. All those things that get me down are still there, but I'm hopeful, and I haven't been hopeful in many, many months.

The wilderness has been hard. It's where I've had to prove to myself who God is. Not from anyone else's words or experiences, but from one painful word at a time. Experienced by me. It's a mess, but it's my mess. I can say I know who God is. As the Israelites emerged out of the wilderness after 40 years of wandering, and crossed the Jordan River into the Promised Land, they were shown a window revealing the reason for those disorienting years. I'm hoping for the same thing.

The morning I woke up with Keith Green in my head, I hope was the beginning of leaving the wilderness. I'll leave you with some lyrics.

There are sometimes when I doubt
But you always find me out
You put this love in my heart

Cause when I see all that you've done for me
It's hard to doubt, I just have to believe
Cause you followed and proved it all of your life
There's so much more I should say
If I could just find a way
You put this love in my heart

Is all this real or a dream
I feel so good I could scream
You put this love in my heart

I want to know where the bad feelings go
When I'm depressed and I get down so low
And then I see you coming to me and it's alright

You put this love in my heart

You put this love in my heart

You put this love in my heart

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Sorting it out

I haven't been blogging in a while. I can site many reasons, but basically I've been in a rut. The spring was a hard one, kinda set me back on my heels quite a bit. Many of you know that we moved to Canada from South Georgia this past September, 2008. Wow, what an adjustment. Although I'm from here, I've been gone for 10 years, living in Kentucky for three and South Georgia for seven years. It's amazing how expensive it is to live in Canada. Not just that the prices are high, but did you know that you need 2 sets of tires for each car you own? Did you know it's law that you have your car inspected each year? Did you know that you need a winter coat, boots, hats, blankets, socks, sweaters, mittens, gloves, de-icer for the car, shovels, scarves, car scraper, and salt for the sidewalk? Well, of course you knew that, it is Canada after all, right? But, unfortunately none of these bulky, yet necessary items are free, so it's a big investment to live here, because there are actually 4 seasons that require many things just for basic functionality. South Georgia has one season....hot! But, I digress....

Many of you know the job we moved here for is no longer the reason we are here. It was a tough 9 months for my husband as principal of a small Christian School, but we believed and still believe that it was God who brought us here. I have mixed feelings about how things have unfolded. I don't doubt for a second that it WAS God who brought us here, not a second. I'm also mostly happy that my husband doesn't have to go back to such a difficult situation again this year, I'm actually relieved. But, I am scared that neither of us have jobs. This is a scary place to be with a family. I have to believe that God has a plan, but I struggle with that. I guess that's the point of my post right now.

The last two years have been somewhat of a freefall. It will be two years this August since I lost my father. It seems since then one huge thing after another has happened. Job loss, moving to another country, more job loss, debt from moving to another country etc. It has really tested my faith. I have really wondered if God loves me. Well, I guess I know He loves me, but I often assume He loves those who make the decisions that so strongly affect our lives more. For many reasons, first of all, there are more of them and they all wear suits and read the KJV of the Bible, so they must have an edge, right? They must always be right? They tell others what church is the "right" one and what church is the "wrong" one, they approve of using only the organ on Sunday morning, they state what they are instead of living it, and they have church foyers that would make any museum proud, the projects can be seen from the window of the sanctuary, yet the people are fenced out of the church. So with all these things, of course they have the edge on knowing the will of God, right? That's where I'm stuck. I don't like being stuck there, but I am. I hope to move on soon, but I can't help but feel wondering what God's plan is and if He remembers my little family......

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Gonna get back in the blog

Really, I am gonna get back in the blog. Just need to get motivated. One could say I gave up blogging for Lent.....but that's just a sorry excuse. New thoughts coming soon.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My Day.....

I heard once there is a thin veil between children and the unseen realm. Today I believe I was witness to it. My sweet Lia bug is the most amazing person I've ever met, and I don't just say that because I'm her mom. Lia was fortunate enough to be given a new Veggie Tales Silly Songs DVD today, believe me, we were all happy and ready for a change. She and her daddy were watching it before supper. The very last song on the DVD is titled "My Day" and is by Jr Asparagus. As they were watching this sweet song, I saw Lia become visibly upset. Her eyes welled up, her face turned red and I saw tears start rolling down her cheeks. I then looked at her daddy, and the same thing was going on with him. The funny thing, neither knew the other was reacting this way to this sweet song. This is the first time that I've ever seen my daughter exhibit such raw emotion, not because of being hurt, wanting a toy or being tired, but she truly FELT. She was moved by the song, the tone and possibly the words.

Copy and paste this link to hear this sweet song: http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#My%20Day%20veggie%20tales

(I wish I was smart enough to backlink, anyone who wants to school me in it, feel free)

One of the sweetest and most touching aspect of the song is the simplicity of it. Yes, God still loves us at the end of the day. No matter what we do wrong, right or not enough, we're loved just because. Sometimes it's too easy to get lost in the theology and the not measuring up, until you hear it from a child's lips, or in this case, and asparagus' lips. So, please take a moment to listen to this song if you've never heard it, and if you have heard it, listen again. You too may just need to be reminded that God loves you.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Random Top Five

Do you ever have random thoughts just enter your mind, for no apparent reason? Or if there is a reason, it's long and convoluted? That's what happened tonight and hence my top 5 list. I was randomly thinking about Tylenol (love that drug) because Lia was begging for some (nice huh?), which made me think of my maternity leave for some reason (I went back to work Feb 17, 2007) and then...bam, the first report I had to go out on my first day back at work. anyway, if you followed any of that, the bottom line is, I do believe I've heard it all. In the 7 years I worked in Child Protective Services, I have heard every excuse in the book why someone has tested positive for drugs. Everyone thinks they are being original but they are nonetheless completely unbelievable. So, I've developed my top five excuses/reasons why someone may test postive for cocoaine, you tell me if they are believable or not......

5. I was at the club last night and someone was smoking it. It must have gotten on my clothes.

4. It is in the medicine I'm taking for blood pressure. (says the great grandmother who tested positive, along with her daughter, granddaughter and 2 yr old great granddaughter)

3. Cocaine is in Tylenol, didn't you know that? It says it in the list of ingredients....

2. I had a toothache and rubbed a rock on it. it's supposed to take away the pain.

1. My boyfriend and I had sex after he snorted.............It can be transferred by bodily fluids..DUH!

Julie, Babs, Lisa...help me out if I'm missing any or you have some to add.....

5. Ty

Posting Comments

Just wondering if it's possible to post comments on here. I've had several people email me that they can't, so if you can, just do a test post comment? Thanks bunches.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Calling all SAHM's....

Ok, so I've been a "stay at home" mom for 4.5 months now. I have to say, it has been the biggest adjustment of my life. This move has been the biggest adjustment of my life, and for my family, and I can't say we've made it seamless either.
So, for all of you who have been doing this for a while, I'm calling on your expertise. What do you do all day? I mean, I know there's a lot to DO, but what do you do? Lia is alone, no siblings right now, and I know in theory I'm not her playmate, but at times I really feel sorry for her. We have no other kids to play with, her only other playmate is a boy who is a year older then her, and that story is best saved for another day, so it's just me and her. We go to the mall A LOT, but it's not like it's fun mall. Well, it's fun for her and it's fine for me, it's just not shopping mall. She plays well with other kids, so it's good for her to socialize.
Then there are the moments I get frustrated with her because she wants me to sit with her or watch Baby Einstein one more time, and I feel the need to do the dishes. Sigh. I might add, I hate housework. I love a clean house, I just hate doing it, so I'm find it very unfulfilling for my days to be about housework, dishes etc.
So, what do your days look like? How do you find value and meaning? (I'm asking this humbly, I find raising my child very valuable and meaningful, I just don't know how to figure out how that's ALL of what I do.)
Any and all input is more then welcome.