December 5

December 5 is a surreal day for me....it always will be. After being told by 2 different doctors that I had a less then 25% chance of ever having children because endometriosis, on December 5, 2005 I got a positive pregnancy test. It was a miracle. I never, ever in my wildest dreams expected it. I wish I could say that I had come to terms with the fact that I would probably never have children, but I can't. I mourned the fact I would probably never have the joy of holding a baby, our baby, in my arms. I never was able to surrender my desires to the Lord's will, I never was able to say "I am OK with it, no matter what".

I spent the entire Christmas of 2005 in utter disbelief and joy. When we arrived back home in Albany, I was scheduled for my second ultrasound at 9 wks. We were crushed beyond belief to learn that our baby had died. I felt like my heart had been shattered in a million pieces. I remember spending the next week in my PJ's, listening to the Scott Stappe CD and playing Bejeweled on the computer. But, as cliche as it was, and probably inappropriate for every other woman in the world other then me, it was a miracle that I was able to even get pregnant, and I knew that if it happened once it could happen again.

Fast foward to December 5, 2006, exactly one year after my first positive pregnancy test, my beautiful miracle was born. I had hoped that she would be born on this day, it brings my story of hope, faith and trust full circle. I have to thank God, He is the only reason for this miracle. I wish I could say that I knew He would bring me peace, but I can't. What I can say is that despite my lack of faith, my failure to trust, He still loved me enough to give me the joy of my heart. I am daily overwhelmed with this gift of love. I pray my daughter grows to know and love Jesus with all her heart, and despite the difficulties of life, He is always there, always steadfast and always loving.

I love you baby Celia Grace. Nobody will ever love you like your mama does.

Why?

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you, He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice, blessed are all who wait on Him. Isaiah 30:17-19

Why can I never remember this? Why never live it? Not to go all "Old Testament", ( not that there's anything wrong with that), but this is something I wish I could beat into myself as I think that's the only way to learn it. I struggle with trust. Trust in God, trust in people. I'm not proud of the fact that I'm 35 yrs old and this is still such a HUGE issue in my life. Maybe it always will be. But, at the very least, I wish I could believe that God LONGS to be gracious to me. Not because He was to be or not even just bc he wants to be, but he LONGS for it. Yet, I still struggle with trusting Him, trusting that He desires so much to be gracious. Why?

Breadcrumbs

I had one of those days last week. You know, the kind where you just wanna give up and you're convinced the world has conspired against you. Yup, one of those days, or actually two. I remember many years ago when I lived in Russia I felt I was having one of those lives. I had gone for many, many, many weeks without hot water, or at least without having it consistently. This gets really old after a while, when all I wanted to do was jump in a hot shower. I remember one particularly bad day during the week of the infamous day camps. ( I hated day camps, but that's a whole other story) I was riding the trolly back to my apartment and it was crowded as usual, the 5:00 rush. I had a very heavy bag that day and this very kind, older Russian gentleman offered to hold my bag on his lap for me. I bursted out in tears at this. It was the breadcrumb I needed, just to know that the world wasn't against me. When I was in college, my third year, we were having a particulary harsh winter with very little sunshine. One February day, the sun came out and the temperature rose to just above freezing, it was delightful. My friend Marsha and I named this day "The Day God Gave Us". I think of that day often. Fast foward to this past Friday. I was so tired, Lia was so tired, a tired 2 year old is akin to pergutory itself and I was fully there. I was out of gas, so after filling up I went inside for a much needed coffee. For whatever reason, the very kind employee did not charge me for the coffee. Happy Halloween he said. A very small gesture, but a very needed glimpse of hope and light for me. Someone just being so kind, so generous, he probably didn't even think twice about it, but it truly made my day, more then most things do. Some people may think God is too busy with all the craziness of this world to care much about our personal needs, our exhaustion with our children or just our frustration with the weather. I think God always is looking for ways to renew our hope, to remind us He loves us and He is always there for us...me. I can only pray that as much as I'm on the receiving end of this hope, these breadcrumbs, these glimmers of a remnant, that He'll also be able to use me to encourage others and be that glimmer for someone who needs it.

Guilt...NOT

I just became a stay at home mom 2 months ago. I have to say, it is a huge adjustment. After spending 7 years working full time in Child Protection, this is a whole new world. My sweet Lia is almost 2, she's my "little buddy". I have to admit it's a big adjustment for her as well. She's been in daycare fulltime since she was 10 weeks old. It has definitely been a challenge for her as well. I'll just say the road has been bumpy, but we're coming in to smooth sailing. I'm gonna make a big admission here....I LOVE nap time. I am vigilant about naps, she thankfully sleeps about 2-3 hrs each afternoon. Once she's down, I do my few little "chores", then I do the absolute unthinkable. I plop in front of the TV, pop open a diet pepsi and watch General Hospital. I love every minute of it. Not the soap necessarily, just the fact that I can do this. I figure I've worked in a very, very high stress job for 7 years, I've seen and experienced things you usually only read on front pages of the paper and then have nightmares about. I feel not one, single solitary ounce of guilt for my afternoon reprieve. It sure beats the hell out of getting a sticky note from the receptionist that says "dead baby....132 Dunwood Ln". I'll take GH, thank you very much.

First Timer

I've decided to take the plunge into the blogging world. Bear with me as I learn. I look forward to having a place to air my thoughts....and some other things when needed. Maybe I'll even be lucky enough to have a few comments...wink,wink. Stay tuned for more to come about life, Lia and whatever else comes to mind!!!!